Fever Dreaming

my first entry of cathartic warmth

My fever dream in Los Angeles lasted from 23 to 24. Tossing in my bed in the middle of June, thinking of you, I could feel the heat of the summer lingering in my sheets. My body contorted in uncomfortable ways; I remembered how you would morph in our sleep. Arms wrapped, head nestled, a comfortable peace I could no longer find. Crying almost every night, I encountered a terrible version of you in my dreams. A borderline nightmare. I’m afraid. I do not know who you’ve become. You are so far I cannot feel you, only my fever and what we used to be.

I guess we were onto something talking long distance. Two kids on a dead end roadtrip, crazy enough to believe, “I love you from a distance,” would bring us closer. Reality leaves a sour taste and forces a swallow of pain. So much pain, I guess I must be growing. Is it showing yet? Or is the chasm between where I am, and where I’m supposed to be too wide? I can’t kick the sticky skin feeling as I’m trying to fall asleep. My eyes will have to forgive me tomorrow. Distance is no match for memory.

I wish I could wake up and forget, but the love won’t let me. My heart was restless, beating with a loud pounding pulse in my neck. I didn’t know how to stay still. I thought I had to swell the sweat, so I started running. Early mornings, after dark, even in the thundering rain. With no sense of direction my legs were determined to keep running.

After miles and hours, I had come to the end of myself and collapsed on the shore. My body ached so deeply, I no longer had the urge to find your lips and kiss them. I only craved sweet relief. Streaming ribbons, I cried out for help. Gradually, I surrendered. Then suddenly, standing where salt meets sea, the Prince of Peace beckoned with his arms wide open, “Come to me, you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11: 28)

Finally, I crashed into His embrace. An everlasting cathartic warmth, to be held by His grace. Gently and without fail, he carried me onto the waves. Arms wrapped, head nestled, a comfortable place above surface. I am not drowning in tears nor afraid of you. I am surrounded by love. Oh how deeply He heals my breaking heart; Jesus Christ restores my soul.

My laughter ripples the water in sweet relief. I am easy and light. The sun kisses me gold as I run back home to tell everyone I know. Joyous like a child digging, I have uncovered treasure. Heavenly is my reward! Our past was heavy, but God’s hand is stronger! From the coast to mountains, He creates beauty beyond what I can imagine. Oh how green the leaf canopy, and the rushing river I rest in. He has rescued me from my fears.

Now, I am still. On a rock. There is quiet in my heart. You are so far I cannot feel you or my fever and what we used to be. In the cool wind, I hear the song of His promise. It’s melody echos through the canyons, “You will be like those who dream. For I, have set you free.” (Psalm 126:1)

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